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【13 Things專訪】先生、小姐,為何總是以性別作稱呼?──遇見新加坡音樂人Joy Alexis

hokk fabrica online magazine 原來不只一種模樣

在 驕 傲 月,

我 們 一 瞥 一 道 道 散 落 在 亞 洲 不 同 角 落 的 彩 虹,

邀 請 了 來 自 日 本、新 加 坡、台 灣、香 港 的 酷 兒 分 享 TA 們 的 13 件 事,

回 首 生 命 中 的 滂 沱 大 雨,

幻 想 彩 虹 彼 端 的 烏 托 邦。

On Pride Month, let us take a peek at rainbows scattered across Asia.

Inspirational queer faces from Japan, Singapore, Taiwan and Hong Kong.

Reminiscing their rainy days in life, and imagining a world over the rainbow.

#HFASKS
我們本來就不該將愛分類,對嗎?

新加坡 同志 同性婚姻 joy alexis

「我有兩個很喜歡的PS4遊戲,我真的希望小時候的我不用等到長大了才有機會玩。長輩們總覺得女孩子應該去玩娃娃。」Joy Alexis笑起來面頰有一對酒窩,談著但願自己在擁抱彩虹之前知道的事情。面前這位新加坡電子騷靈樂新秀,時而分享成熟哲理,時而童心未泯,在一小時的視像對話𥚃,娓娓道出自己一路走來的跨性別故事。

“I have two games on the PS4 that I really love, I really wish that I had the chance to play them when I was a kid, not as an adult now…girls are expected to play with barbie and whatever,” Joy Alexis gave a nonchalant smile, cute dimples showing on both cheeks. He reflected his past casually yet he knew the suffering was what makes his music mesmerising. A multifaceted artist, he is the epitome of fluidity. Not just on gender, through his music he proves that the only thing certain in life is uncertainty.

音樂是Joy Alexis表達自己的出口,也是TA的彩虹日記:「自小熱愛音樂,選擇了與音符作伴,音樂就是我愛的語言。」Joy分享了新曲《Tonight》背後的故事,原來這支作品是疏理一段逝去的感情,歌中Joy 發揮了TA 靈活的音域,由低沈的嗓線層層遞上空靈的高音。變幻重疊的聲線仿佛在訴說內心的洶湧,讓人微醺的厚重電子頻率,將每絲憂傷幻化成浪漫的音符,也安撫著自己。談起感情,這位22歲音樂人笑言找不到合適的形容:「我既不是女同志,男同志也似乎不太合適,所以只可以簡單的說我喜歡女生。」然而,我們本來就不該將愛分類,對嗎?

Joy Alexis expresses his emotions through music, a rainbow memoir of some sort. “To me, I believe that music calls me and I choose it too, and I’ve chosen to commit myself fully to music because I love it. In a way music is my love language.” He shared the story behind his latest track “Tonight”, heartfelt letter to a lost love. Minimal lyrics with surfeiting sentiments, Joy showed his impressive vocal range. The song started with his gentle baritone, ascending to a soft falsetto, combined with the deep tonal boom of electronic beats, it was hauntingly, ethereally beautiful. He knows love yet he is still searching for the right vocabulary to describe relationships, “I don’t identify as being female, so I don’t call myself lesbian, neither can I really call myself gay, so I just tell people I like girls.”

的確,生活中有很多習慣,都是不必要的,比如說甫進餐廳時聽到的問候語。Joy憶述那些讓TA哭笑不得的場面:「外出用餐時,侍應常常對我說『你好,先生』。我一開口,他們立即改說『對不起小姐』。為什麼就不能簡單說句『歡迎光臨,你今天想吃什麼』?」不過,Joy有時候也會特意用低沈的嗓音配合,免得他人尷尬。

Caged in social norms and words, Joy talked about awkward dialogues he deals with, “Why do you guys have to greet people according to their gender? Why can’t you just say ‘welcome, what would you like today’?” to ease the situation, sometimes he will lower his voice and play along with the gender game.

 

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雖說最理想的社會是不需要任何標籤,但Joy Alexis卻認為這些關於性別的詞彙,某程度上是相當重要:「那時候的我並不知道性別是一個光譜,雖然不喜歡標籤自己,但學會這些術語幫助我找到自己的彩虹驕傲,明白自己的性別認同。」除了「標籤」存生之必要,Joy還說到跨性別公眾人物對酷兒們的意義: 「跨性別模特和藝術家Chella Man 是我的人生榜樣。TA的經歷,讓我們能有期可待。」

Utopia, to many queers, might mean a world without labels and stereotypes. Yet Joy Alexis knows that labels can be helpful sometimes, “I didn’t know that you could exist within the spectrum. I think when I really find my pride is when I found those terms and they helped me,” he told us, “even though I don’t have to label myself, these labels for now help me to tell people who I am.” Joy reflected upon queer issues, and signficance of having queer public figure. “To me Chella Man is hope, he is the whole reason why I understand I can be gender queer.”

 

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若然社會對酷兒的態度更開放,或是媒體上有更多關於跨性別人物的報道,年少的Joy便不用不斷向上帝祈禱,求祂讓自己變得「正常」了。幸而音樂圈有這位充滿一腔熱血的新秀,矢志為音樂業帶來多元景象。「我希望成立自己的唱片公司,優先發掘因為性別身分而受唱片公司忽略的一群。」聽Joy堅定的語氣,看TA期待的眼神。要是Chella Man對Joy Alexis來說是𥌓光,相信TA有天也會是別人的一縷晨暉。

“If I knew…” If Joy grew up in a queer-friendly environment, if Joy knew about Chella Man in his childhood years, all suffering and praying to be “normal” could be spared. “It will be so nice if I can have a record label, giving priority to LGBT musicians to help them,” he expressed his ambition. Chella Man gave Joy Alexis hope, and he is paying it forward, knitting rainbows for those who are still closeted, confused, monotoned, stuck in the middle.

現在,送上我們與Joy的完整彩虹對話。

Here is our rainbow dialogue with Joy.

新加坡 同志 同性婚姻 joy alexis

HF:HOKK Fabrica | JA:Joy Alexis

HF:請簡單介紹一下你自己。
Please briefly describe yourself to the reader.

JA:你好,我叫Joy Alexis,我用「they/them」作代名詞。我是一位結他樂手、唱作歌手及新晉音樂製作人。我稱自己為性別酷兒、跨男。
Hi I’m Joy Alexis, and my pronouns are they/them and he/him! I’m a guitarist, singer-songwriter, aspiring producer! I identity as genderqueer transmasculine!

HF: 你引以為傲的事情?
What are the things you pride yourself on?

JA:我的音樂!從小立志成為音樂人,但明白知識太廣而時間太少,所以訂立了每天自學一樣新音樂概念的目標,可以是新的和弦,或者音樂製作的技巧。這個習慣由十三歲堅持至今,是我最自豪的事。
I’m very proud of my journey as a musician so far. It’s one of the only things in my life that I’ve committed to so strongly till this day. I try to do a thing where I learn at least one new musical concept everyday because there are tons of things to learn about in music and I’m trying to learn as much as I can!

 

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HF: 你生命中最自豪的一刻?
What was your proudest moment in life?

JA:第一次和樂隊公開演出令我記憶最深。雖然台下的觀眾不多,但首次對廣眾唱出自己的音樂那一刻十分有滿足感。

I think there were many proud moments but one of the biggest ones was performing with my band in front of a small audience for the first time!

每個人都有自己擁抱彩虹的旅程和步伐。
甚至我也花了一些時間,這並無不妥。

Everyone has their own journey.
Even I took some time to be okay with myself.

HF:在擁抱彩虹之前,希望自己知道的事情?
Things you wish you knew before owning your rainbow?

JA:但願當初知道只要忠於自己,一切都會安然無恙;但願年少的我不會總向上帝祈禱問究竟,並祈求要改變我自己。
I wish I knew that being this way was okay and that I shouldn’t pray to have to change myself or ask God why constantly.

HF:你認為「櫃」對你意味著什麼?
What does “closet” mean to you?

JA:「櫃」對我來說就是還沒看到和觸到彩虹,深櫃中的人總有種無奈、無力的感覺。有些人希望出櫃卻擔心坦白的後果:身邊人的有色眼光,甚至可能遭到暴力對待;又或者有些人還在櫃裡梳理思路,還沒準備好迎接新的自己和將要走的人生。
I think being in the closet means not being able to own your rainbow – and not because you don’t want to, but your environment doesn’t let you, the people around you will physically hurt you if they know, or in some cases, you haven’t come out to yourself yet! And that’s okay.

每個人都有自己的旅程。 甚至我也花了一些時間,這並無不妥。 我記得在高中時,我的一群朋友總是說我是一個女同性戀。我討厭這個稱呼,因為即使我知道我喜歡女孩,而我的朋友也知道,但彷彿只有女同志、男同志這些詞彙。因此某種意義上,我仍然處於深櫃,因為我不知道性別光譜的存在,所以當我明白後才是真正的出櫃。
Everyone has their own journey. Even I took some time to be okay with myself. I remember in high school my group of friends would always say I was such a lesbian, and I hated that because even though I knew I liked girls and my friends also knew, the only queer vocabulary was if you’re a girl and you like girls you’re lesbian, and if you like boys you’re straight. And if you’re a boy who likes boys you’re gay. In a way I was still closeted because I didn’t know that gender and sexuality exists on a spectrum and that one day I was going to understand that! So now I’m out.

HF:你如何看待LGBTQ + 驕傲?
What do you think of LGBTQ+ Pride?

JA:個人認為除了擁抱自己的性向與性別之外,培養自我肯定也很重要。我知道這並不容易,但是當你這樣做時,我認為它很美麗,而且一切都變得很容易。我知道很多人不能因為環境而不能活出自我,但他們仍能為自己感到驕傲,不去改變自己。
I think for LGBTQ+ people to be proud of themselves as a person in general is important. I know it’s not easy to get there and so many aren’t, but when you do, I think it’s beautiful and it makes everything so much easier. I know that a lot of people can’t because of their environment, but in their own way if they are proud of themselves and they don’t want to change who they are because you can’t just pray for these things to go away, it makes you a better person.

「驕傲」一詞包含勇氣與力量。我們是小眾,對於包括我在內的LGBTQ+群體,有時候為了生存、為了融入群體和在主流性別文化中生活而掩飾自己。當你帶著驕傲活出自己的生活,跟一些具包容性的人在一起時,你同時也在用你的生命去改變他人。
I’d like to see Pride as strength and courage. We are the minority in the world, and for a lot of LGBTQ+ people, myself included at times, try to blend in to cisgender or hetero norms just to protect ourselves. In those lucky moments when you don’t, and we are around people who’re accepting or open to learning, those are the moments where we make a difference you know?

新加坡 同志 同性婚姻 joy alexis

HF:你最喜歡的LGBT + 人物?
Your favorite LGBT+ role model?

JA:我想我所有的密友都知道我崇拜2個人——跨性別模特和藝術家 Chella Man和唱作音樂人Raveena!Chella Man是我的人生榜樣。TA把自己男跨女的旅程詳細紀錄下來,分享TA對過渡的見解。透過TA的短片我認識到跨性別的多樣性:就算不是順性別也不一定要透過手術糾正。TA啟發了我,也幫我找到跨男和性別酷兒的身分。我認為TA參加T的旅程和藝術,真的與我產生共鳴,並帶給我很多安慰。對我來說,Chella Man是我的希望。
I think everyone of my close friends knows that I adore 2 people – Chella Man! And Raveena!
Chella Man was the reason I learnt that I didn’t have to identify as transgender, I could identify as transmasculine, and also identify as genderqueer at the same time. I think their journey through taking T, and their art, just really resonates with me and brings me a lot of comfort? Chella man to me is my beacon of hope.

另外一個就是唱作音樂人Raveena,她曾公開自己是個雙性戀酷兒。我喜歡她溫柔甜美的嗓音,她像一個落入凡間的仙女,透過空靈音樂保佑世人。
Raveena is another queer role model because not only is she queer but also an artist who I absolutely adore. I’m really into artists who have very gentle and sweet voices! Raveena is magical, and spiritual, and basically a fairy from a different dimension who came to bless this earth with her music.

HF:你最喜歡的LGBTQ +電影?
Your favorite LGBTQ+ movie?

JA:近來最喜歡的是Netflix的《The Half of It》,不完美的結局感覺比較真實。
I think I have a couple but my current favourite is “The Half of It” which is a very recent film on Netflix! I like it because it’s real and doesn’t always show that love ends like the fairy tales.

其實跨性別界也有光譜

So anyone existing within the spectrum, aka me, isn’t considered trans, which I think is stupid.

HF:對於LGBTQ +群體,你不能理解的是⋯⋯
Something about the LGBTQ+ community you don’t understand…

JA:最不理解群體裡的仇恨言論。例如「排跨基女」(排斥跨性別的基進女性主義者),否定跨性別女性的存在,覺得以手術創造陰道是噁心的。另外一個就是「性別重置手術派」,堅持跨性別人士一定要以手術糾正生來錯配的性徵。其實跨性別界也有光譜,為什麼他們能接受性別和性向光譜,卻把二元論套在群體身上呢?感覺十分自相矛盾。
I think I’d like to know why there is so much hate within our small community. The biggest probably are TERFs (Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists). So if you don’t know what that means, in summary these are a group of feminists who reject trans women as women, and etc.
Another one would be Transmedicalists. These are a group of people who believe that you are only fully trans if you’ve done the full transition – that is, top surgery, bottom surgery, and hormones. So anyone existing within the spectrum, aka me, isn’t considered trans, which I think is stupid.

HF:你想與其他LGBT +群體分享的一句話⋯⋯
Message you want to share with fellow LGBT+ community…

JA:成為你想要在這世界上看到的改變!
Be the change you want to see in the world!

HF:你如何看待十年後 LGBTQ +群體的發展?
How do you see the future of LGBTQ+ community in a decade?

JA:我觀察到主流社會正在慢慢接受性小眾,希望十年後看到更多國家承認同性婚姻。
I see a definite improvement in acceptance, hopefully more states will allow marriage. I think if Singapore allows it I will be in disbelief but also in a pure state of joy hahah.

HF:對你而言,「驕傲」一詞代表什麼?
What does “Pride” mean to you?

JA:「驕傲」是勇敢,愛自己的模樣。
Pride means to be brave and love yourself for who you are.

新加坡 同志 同性婚姻 joy alexis

我們的群體雖小,但正在茁壯成長!

Singapore’s LGBTQ+ community may be small, but it’s growing!

HF:對你來說,「身分」一詞代表什麼?
For you, what does the word “identity” stand for?

JA:「身分」就是撫心自問「我是誰」後的答案,他人對你的評頭論足並不是「身分」。
Identity is who you are as a person. And not what others say you are. But who YOU say you are.

 

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HF:一件有關新加坡LGBTQ +群體的事?
One thing to know about LGBT+ community in Singapore?

JA:新加坡的LGBTQ+ 群體雖小,但正在茁壯成長!
Singapore’s LGBTQ+ community may be small, but it’s growing!

HF:在新加坡當酷兒是什麼感覺?
What is it like being queer in Singapore?

JA:初成年的我雖有一定自主權,但生活上仍然要面對不少憂慮和挑戰,例如跨性別期間如何申請組屋,或不能與同性女友在新加坡共同購買單位等問題。另外就是出櫃後擔心親友的目光。但同時我在新加坡的酷兒群體得到很多的支持,有不少人自發舉辦以酷兒為主的活動和演出,提供不同的平台讓我們認識新朋友,互相支持和分享大家的經歷與理想。
I think it’s definitely less scary as you get older because you meet amazing people who’re like you, but also as a young adult now I have all these concerns like how am I going to own my own flat if I do transition, or the fact that if me and my partner want to buy a place together, we can’t becase our sex assigned at birth is the same. I often worry about what my relatives would think, and it’s scary.

But on the bright side I am very glad to have the opportunity to have met some beautiful people, who have similar philosophies in life and in the lgbt community! A few would be Alex from skrrrt central – they organized an event sole for queer performers, another would be Nydia and Felicia who were going to organize a queer prom but because of COVID-19 we had to postone the event. I think ideas like these are amazing and I’m so glad I found people like this who I want to surround myself with!

HF:你對新加坡LGBTQ+文化的未來有何展望?
What do you foresee for the future of LGBTQ+ culture in Singapore?

JA:當然是廢棄新加坡刑事法典377A節!
I think all LGBTQ+ Singaporeans want a bright future and a better life and in order to do this, the 377a ban has to be lifted!

HF:「愛」對你意味著什麼?
What does “Love” mean to you?

JA:愛是一個很主觀的概念,老實說我覺得沒有人能夠定義愛!愛有五種語言:肯定的言語、精心的時刻、服務的行動、接受禮物和身體的接觸。我覺得愛是一種超脫世界的概念:愛是放開不能一起成長的愛人;愛是勇敢改善一段痛苦的關係;愛是永恆的承諾。自小熱愛音樂,選擇了與音符作伴,音樂就是我愛的語言。
Love is very subjective to everyone, and to me I honestly don’t think love can ever be defined! There are the 5 love languages – Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts and Physical Touch. I do relate to the first 2 mainly but I think love transcends everything of this world. Love is knowing when to let go even though you love someone so much but it’s not helping you grow. Love is trying to work through a relationship with someone even though it’s so painful. But love is also an eternal commitment. To me, I believe that music called me and I choose it too, and I’ve chosen to commit myself fully to music because I love it. In a way music is my love language.

 

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HF:分享一些你在學校/年輕時的LGBT的經歷。
How do you recall your experience being LGBT+ at school/ when you were younger?

JA:小時候和男孩圈中長大,沒有什麼女生朋友。成長時總覺得自己和人家不同,到處都感覺不到歸屬感,慢慢就習慣了獨處,一個人靜靜的坐在樓梯吃午飯。 中學時被女同學欺凌,每天忍受著她們的閒言閒語,說我是個男人婆,我漸漸對人失去信心。雖然如此,但還是找到幾位好友,至今仍然有聯絡。

現在長大成人,回首過去,希望當初明白人不只分為男和女:性徵、性別認同和性向是分開的三回事。我們自出生似乎都被困在性別的籠子裡,都要跟著自己的性徵去做每一個抉擇:男孩子可以玩足球、電子遊戲、積木;女孩子要穿裙子、要玩家家酒、娃娃。

早知道性別非二元,我就不需要「選擇」做個男孩子。

I couldn’t fit in with the girls, and when I played with the boys, I still felt different. So growing up, I never felt like I belonged anywhere. Not at school, not at home, not with family, even friends. I grew accustomed to loneliness. At school I’d sit at the staircase 2 stories up from the canteen – a staircase nobody used until the end of school – and I’d eat my peanut butter and strawberry jam sandwich there, as I gazed at the slope with lush grass. It sounds sad but I actually liked the peace!

You know how everyone operates at a certain frequency and people who’re like you are naturally drawn to that frequency? Well, slowly I started to find people who were more like me, but still, in every institution I went to, eventually those people would soon become distant memories. Secondary school greeted me with being bullied, not exactly for being gay but just operating that different frequency than your average schoolgirl. For starters my hair stood out from the sea of ponytails.

I was fortunate to find a few friends who I still hold dear till today, I guess you could say people of the same wavelength did find me eventually. But growing up I would’ve loved to know that there weren’t just 2 genders, heck even know that sex, gender identity, and sexuality were 3 separate things altogether. It would have been nice not to have to wear a dress to weddings and events, or get to go shopping in the boy’s section. To be able to play soccer without being known as “the only girl”. To me, I saw myself just like any of the other boys, but more importantly, I didn’t really see gender or sex. What was the whole big fuss with me playing soccer? Why was I the only “girl”? I liked it, so why couldn’t I play? I loved Justice league, Batman, LEGO, striped T-shirts. I liked these toys for two reasons. One because they are great, but secondly because I was only taught that there was a girl or boy. So I chose one, to be “a boy”.

我最大的恐懼是太在乎他人意見,最後變得一事無成。

I think my greatest fear is not being able to achieve what I want to do in this life because I’m too scared about what others think.

HF:你有否曾因性傾向而遭受過暴力/偏見?
Have you ever experienced violence/discrimination because of to your sexuality?

JA:幸興未曾遭受過身體暴力,但感受過心理暴力。暴力有很多種,有形的傷害只是其中一種。很多時候無形的傷害更殘酷,只要一個鍵盤、一句無心話,已經足以摧毀受害者的心靈。
I wouldn’t say I’ve experienced physical violence thankfully, but definitely emotional violence. Cyber bullying, verbal bullying in secondary school. I’d say that violence exists in many forms. Let me give you an example. Once in a while my family and neighbours make a trip to a country club to have dinner and play bowling – to just enjoy each other’s company. I didn’t know this but country clubs have allocated rooms for “Men” and “Women” (I put most gender annotations in quotations as what being a man and woman is to people is subjective, in my case I mean cisgender heteronormative man or woman). My brother and a neighbor were playing hide and seek. Guess where they hid? In the Men’s room. When I realized they were there, I barged in and said “found you!”. They were immediately super shocked and said “you can’t be here! You’re a girl”. This, among many, is one of the most traumatic experiences I’ve had. It hurt because they gendered me.

新加坡 同志 同性婚姻 joy alexis

 

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HF:What are you afraid of?
你最大的恐懼?

JA:我最大的恐懼是太在乎他人意見,最後變得一事無成。
I think my greatest fear is not being able to achieve what I want to do in this life because I’m too scared about what others think.

HF:What issues and causes are you passionate about and why?
你最熱衷的事情?

JA:沈迷與探索感官的四種元素:空間、色彩、情感和音樂。
If I could sum up my passions in 4 words it would be: Space, Colour, Emotion and Sound.

讓我們談談空間、色彩和聲音,稍後我們將進一步介紹情感。曾修讀過建築學,現在將學過的建築概念融入音樂中。我先天賦有聯覺,對外界感官特別敏感。就像人們品嚐食物並看到顏色,聞到氣味並聽到聲音!我非常感激地學習了建築學:讓我在做音樂時比人更容易感覺到聲景——聲音的空間感、層次、重量、大小等。製作歌曲時創建聲景是我最重視的一個環節,聲景能將音樂提升到另外一個境界。
Let’s talk about Space, colour and sound, and we’ll get more into emotion later. I studied architecture and now I’m going to study music. Though I love music but like architecture, I know parts of architecture will always find its way to help me in life! For example, one of my projects in the near future is discovering a part of me which I think is quite unique. I have synesthesia – the production of a sense impression relating to one sense or part of the body by stimulation of another sense or part of the body – so people taste food and see colours, smell scents and hear sounds, etc! I have a few types of synesthesia, and among the 3, is hearing electronic music and seeing them spatially. Might be a little tough to visualize but bear with me!

有時這種音景很短,有時很長。在這個音景中,存在著歌曲的所有元素。例如,在大多數電子歌曲中,聽起來既沉重又響亮,而且響亮且突出。這存在於前面和中間。音樂的所有元素都可以具有各種紋理、重量、大小、層次。像空間設計一樣,這些元素必須存在於此立方體中,而不能相互競爭,才能創作出平衡或飽滿的歌聲。這似乎有些抽象,我希望有天能設計一個音樂軟件可以融合這四種元素,改革音樂和視覺創作。
This is where I’m so thankful I studied architecture: when I hear a song, or am trying to produce and design one, I see the song in what I’d like to call a soundscape. Sometimes this soundscape is short, sometimes it’s long. In this soundscape exists all the elements of a song. For example, a kick sounds heavy and large, also loud and prominent in most electronic songs. This exists in the front and center. All elements of music can have various textures, weights, size, prominence. Like spatial design, this means in order to have a balanced or full sounding song, these elements have to exist in this cube without fighting with each other to exist in the same space. Might seem far-fetched but maybe someday I may try to design a music software which fuses this and maybe revolutionize sound design and visual design but I’m just dreaming big!

HF:你希望如何影響未來?
How would you like to influence the future?

JA:我希望成為許多因為不同而被邊緣化的人的聲音。特別是跨性別者、非二元性人士以及受到欺凌的人。我對LGBTQIA +群體(甚至還沒有出生的酷兒)的希望是,使酷兒變得更「正常化」,這樣我們就不會再受到性別歧視、感到沮喪、遭受欺凌或感到焦慮。
I hope to be the voice of many people who have been marginalized simply because they’re different. In particular, transgender/ Trans Masc or trans Femme individuals, non binary people, and those who got bullied a lot. I think my hope for the LGBTQIA+ community, those who aren’t even born into it yet, and those who are already in it, is that being queer becomes more normalized so that we can go about our daily activities without constantly being misgendered, looked down on, bullied, or just anxious in general, extra catious for that matter.

HF:你對想要擁抱彩虹的人有什麼建議?
Advice for those who are coming out?

JA:致正閱讀本文而仍未出櫃的你,以及在生活、音樂或任何事物中掙扎的你,請觀看Rupaul的變裝皇后秀。哈哈,我在開玩笑(但你還是應該去看)。那節目教會我很多作為酷兒和人生的課題,如TA所說:「如果你不能愛自己,你到底可以怎樣去愛別人嗎?」愛自己是每個人都要學習的事情,當我嘗試愛自己時,一切開始變得更好。我更有信心地分享自己的音樂,也可以站在舞台上說話,而不必擔心他們評論我的跨男身分。
To those who’re still closeted reading this, or to those who’re out and struggling in life or in music or anything, watch Rupaul’s Drag Race. Hahah I’m kidding (but yes you should), but that show taught me a lot of lessons as an LGBT individual and as a person in general and I shall quote “if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” Loving yourself is something everyone is on a journey to, and when I started trying to love myself more through a lot of painful experiences, everything started to fall in place. I felt like I belonged to a community of musicians, I could put out music without doubting myself as much, I could stand on a stage and talk to a crowd without having anxiety that they’re judging me because I’m trans.

不再害怕面對情緒,學會與自己溝通,才會成長。當然不是指對著著鏡子說我是天下無敵,而是要懂得寵愛自己。我寵愛自己的方法就是:要是我完成了當日的目標,我就獎勵自己用奢華的沐浴露,相反,要是我未能完成的話,我就用低價肥皂。這樣我就可以給自己前進的動力。人生路很長,做每件事都要穩步前進。不要擔心將來,未來總是讓人感到困惑和擔憂。最後,要知道自己是珍貴的。如果你需要找人傾訴,只管發我一條Instagram訊息!大家保重!
Don’t be afraid to face your emotions. Don’t do it all the time of course and get stuck in a rut. But slowly, learn how to face them and be brave. When you’re in touch with yourself, you grow. It is not being selfish to care for yourself. You don’t need to be obsessed with yourself, but you need to care for yourself. Like a small way I take care of myself is if I accomplish what I set out to that day – maybe if that was to cycle, if I did it I let myself bathe in my favourite Aesop Coriander Seed Body wash! If I don’t, that’s okay I just use a cheaper soap and tell myself to complete the task so I can have small moments of joy to move on. Take one day at a time and work towards finishing the day. Don’t make the mistake of getting too worried about what’s gonna happen the next year, the next 10 years. That has ALWAYS gotten me stuck and worried. Lastly, know that you are precious, priceless, and greatly loved. Sending you love and light! I’m always an Instagram message away if you ever need someone to lean on! Take care everyone!

 

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PRODUCTION: HOKK MEDIA
INTERVIEW AND TEXT: YANNI W / HOKK FABRICA
VIDEO: SONIA C / HOKK FABRICA
TRANSCREATION: DAWNY TSOI
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