以模特兒為夢想的女生往往被人形容為「發明星夢」(不設實際)。Cara Delevinge、Gigi Hadid多姿多彩的生活,自不然會令很多少女心生羨慕。然而,光環背後,模特兒也存在不少掙扎。這回來到Fame Issue,我們跟一位來自泰國的九十後模特兒談過。究竟她是怎樣入行?成為模特兒後,她又是如何在忠於自己與取悅他人之間找到平衡?
做模特兒是一件複雜的事情,既耀眼又迷茫。
—Cheraim
我叫Cheraim,23歲,五年前開始當上模特兒。我來自泰國郊區一個十分平凡的小鎮,那裡沒甚麼特別的。
我從來都沒有幻想過自己會成為模特兒。人們覺得我太普通、太鈍、太男孩子氣,不夠「女性化」(雖然我從來都不覺得自己是這樣)。
文靜讓我成為了一位愛做白日夢的人。自我有記憶以來,圍繞我的就是舊書本的氣味,還有木地板上的塵埃。我先是在書本中找到我的世界,後來在畫紙上找到屬於自己色彩。
That was what made me a wanderer.
(譯:正是這種興趣,令我成為了流浪者。)
我的夢想就是旅遊,到遠處那些人們只敢想而從不敢去的地方漂泊。我看見遼闊的風景,一些只會對自己有特別意義的地方,猶如畫紙上只有藝術家明白的筆觸。
成為模特兒是我人生中一件神秘的事情。小時候,我覺得自己很醜,因為我瘦得可憐。
當星探屢次找上了我,我爸拒絕了他們的邀請。有一天,一位老朋友叫我應徵做演員。出乎意料地,我竟然獲得了一個小小的配角,得到監製注意。(有趣的一點是我那位友人最後只得跑龍套,她再沒有跟我說話。)
然而,我對成為一位演員一點興趣也沒有。
奇蹟地,應徵做演員當日我無意中遇上了泰國版《女性健康》雜誌的編輯兼造型師,就是這樣,我得到了人生第一個拍攝機會,一次過為兩本雜誌工作。雜誌介紹了我給現在的曼谷模特兒公司認識。第一次試鏡並並不是一個好的經驗。我甚麼都不懂,不懂穿高跟鞋走路,不知道該穿甚麼,不知道怎樣自處。那時(還有現在)的我根本不像其他女生。我穿着土氣的牛仔褲、衛衣,還有那在雕塑班中弄污的匡威鞋。感覺好像進入了《辣妹過招》那齣電影一般。
之後,我休息了一會兒,繼續讀書,一年半後再次回到模特兒界。我這樣做的原因很簡單,我需要錢支持我的藝術,要知道讀美術是有血有淚呢!一位朋友鼓勵我向模特兒公司報名,然後一切又重新開始,笨拙地在模特兒世界中摸索。人生就只能順其自然吧?
我還未成名,就算我已經成名我都不會知道。我只喜歡現在所做的事情。
對我來說,做模特兒最好和最差的一面都是一樣,就好像 一個銅錢有兩面──無窮無盡的機會和對模特兒典型的理想印象。作為個體,我們每個人都很不同。當模特兒能釋放內在的那個自己,同時亦代表你需要在主流價值中工作。
我認為,人們最想要的,是一個具有魅力或完美外表的模特兒,而最困難的就是當對方兩者都想要。這種將兩種特質放於同一模子的想法十分弔詭。在保留真我與假裝別人之間,你亦會經歷掙扎。
中庸之道是重要的,問題是你該如何用想像、創意、信念與自信,在這條弔詭的界線上行走。愈多障礙愈刺激。做模特兒是一件複雜的事情,既耀眼又迷茫。
我學會其中一件最重要的事情是,尊重工作是工作的這個事實。每個人起步點都不同。長久以來,做模特兒是女生們的夢想,這個夢想浪漫、充實且令人羨慕。然而,做模特兒也是充滿挑戰的,就像其他同樣要求你擺上責任、彈性和耐心的事業一般。既然被委託要完成任務,我就全力以赴。做模特兒最有價值的一點,就是與我工作的人對我為人和能力的絕對信任。
如果你改變不了本性,那就改變你的生活方式。
我的理想是住在深山一間小屋,小屋東西兩邊都要有窗子,這樣我每天都能夠看見第一和最後一道光線。我只想過一個無悔的生活。如果你不知道未來想做甚麼,繼續前行吧,慢慢地,你最後必定會來到某處。
Cheraims,為人簡單和懶惰,每天持守 YOLO(你只會活一次)的態度,目前在香港生活,五年後打算回國跟朋友開一間名叫MAKE HELL LIKE HOME、結合酒廊與畫室的公共空間。
(英文版本訪問)
My name is Cheraim. I’m 23 years old and it’s been five years since I first started modelling. I’m from the suburbs of Thailand, a very ordinary town, I must say, nothing special nothing exciting.
As a kid I’ve never thought I’d become a model. People thought I was too plain, too blunt and too tom-boyish, not ‘feminine’ enough (though I’d never thought of myself like that).
Therefore, in such quietness I became a dreamer. Ever since I could remember, I was always surrounded by the smell of old books, and dust on the wooden floor. My world was in those pages and later on paper, filled with strokes and colours.
That was what made me a wanderer.
It has always been my dream to travel far enough to the places that only exist in the hearts of men. I can see vast landscapes, places that hold special meanings to yourself just like brushstrokes on the canvas.
Modelling was one of the mysterious things in my life. I had thought, as a child, I was ugly because I was so thin and tall like a dry, crooked branch.
When I was approached by some scouter back then for multiple times, my dad turned them down. One day an old acquaintance asked me to be part of the cast in a movie. Unexpectedly, I got a small role and was noticed by the producer. (It’s funny that my acquaintance remained an extra and never talked to me again. Lol.)
However, I didn’t want to be an actress at all.
Miraculously, I ran into a stylist and editor of Women’s Health Thailand on the same day and that’s how I got my first two editorial shootings in two magazines. The magazines introduced me to my current agency in Bangkok. The first casting wasn’t a good experience. I didn’t know anything – how to walk on heels, what to wear, how to act. I was (and am still) different from other girls. I wore unfashionable jeans, sweater, and clay-stained converses from my scuplture class. It was like walking straight into Mean Girls.
After that I took a break and continued studying. It wasn’t until after one and a half year that I got back in the modelling industry. The reason was that I simply needed more money for my art projects – it costs you flesh and blood to study fine art! A friend encouraged me to enroll in an agency’s search for new faces. Everything started all again, with me awkwardly trying to learn how things work. But I guess you could only go with the flow, right?
The best and worst thing in modelling for me is the same thing, just like two sides of a coin – the endless posibilities and the archetypical ideals. As individuals, we’re different in many ways. Modelling allows you to expose your inner being freely, but it could also mean working under mainstream values.
I think what people are looking for in models is either a latent charm or a perfect sculpture. It’s these two combined that makes modelling challenging. It’s the paradox of trying to put both qualities into one mold. It’s the struggling of staying true to yourself or pretending to be someone else.
Maintaining the middle line is important. The question is, how to walk on this fine line of paradox with imagination, creativity, belief and confidence. The more obstacles, the more excitement. Being a model is a complicated thing, at once dazzling and confused.
One of the most important things that I’ve learnt is, respect that work is work. Everyone starts at a different point. Modelling has been girls’ dreams for ages. It’s fancy, enviable, and fulfulling but that’s not all. It’s also challenging, just like other careers demanding responsibility, flexibility and patience. Since I was entrusted with this task, I shall give my best shot. The value of being a model is the trust that my co-workers put on me, their faith on my capabilities.
My greatest aspiration is to live in the mountains – a house with big windows – on the east and west side so I can see the first add last glimpse of sunlight. All I ever wanted is a life without regrets. If you don’t know what you want to do in the future then just keep moving, maybe little by little, but surely you will get to somewhere in the end.
Follow Cheraims on instagram.