在社會和媒體中,似乎看到極端的愛情觀──女性不是死心塌地的「愛情動物」,就是拒絕墮入愛河的所謂「女強人」 。有想法的、做事認真的、擁抱女權主義的女生,其實也能擁有愛情,墮入愛河不是代表失去自己,也不一定是「脆弱易碎」。
黑人女性主義者Bell Hooks在Eugene Lang College跟Gloria Steinem的對談中,表示早期女性主義提倡「女性要脫離男性」,要從「主流關係」中逃離的遠遠的,才能做一個「自主女性」。不過女性也需要一個「家」,這種「家」不一定通過愛情或婚姻得到。反而,女性主義若推翻「愛」和「被了解」的個人需要,是非常暴力的事情。
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Bell Hooks也問自己「你渴望愛情嗎?」(Are you looking for love, Bell? )她每天起床,一個人在家,被女性創造的藝術品、書本所包圍,她感到快樂,不過她並沒有背向「去愛」和「被愛」的事情,反而不斷探討。在 All About Love: New Visions中,便寫了一句又一句關於現代愛情的看法。
給「不敢投入愛情」的人
Individuals who want to believe that there is no fulfillment in love, that true love does not exist, cling to these assumptions because this despair is actually easier to face than the reality that love is a real fact of life but is absent from their lives.
(譯:有些人寧願相信愛情不會帶來滿足感、真愛從不存在,也不願面對一個事實──就是他們的生命中沒有「愛」的身影伴隨自己。)
Many of us learned that passivity lessened the possibility of attack.
(譯:我們以為,保持「被動」就能減低自己受到傷害的機會。)
給「以為性慾等於愛情」的人
Erotic attraction often serves as the catalyst for an intimate connection between two people, but it is not a sign of love. Exciting, pleasurable sex can take place between two people who do not even know each other.
(譯:性吸引力可以是親密感的催化劑,但不等於愛情;兩個互不認識的人也可以有刺激愉悅的性愛。)
給「看太多愛情電影和輔導書本」的人
We see in movies, people are represented as being in love who never talk with one another, who fall into bed without ever discussing their bodies, their sexual needs, their likes and dislikes.
(譯:電影中所謂「墮入愛河」的人,滾上床單前,從不互相理解,也不會談論自己的身體、性需要、喜好和厭惡的東西。)
Much popular self-help literature normalizes sexism. Rather than linking habits of being, usually considered innate, to learned behavior that helps maintain and support male domination, they act as those these difference are not value laden or political but are rather inherent and mystical.
(譯:大多「愛情自助書本」將性別歧視當作自然。這些書,繼續教女性如何延續男性的霸道,從不分析背後的父權,將男/女的分別說成是天生的。)
給「不會打開心扉」的人
To know love we have to invest time and commitment…dreaming that love will save us, solve all our problems or provide a steady state of bliss or security only keeps us stuck in wishful fantasy, undermining the real power of the love – which is to transform us.
(譯:我們需要投入時間,需要承擔,才能夠愛。一味活在愛情的幻想中,以為愛情等同避風港、能醫百病的話,我們便不能被愛情所昇華。)
Honesty and openness is always the foundation of insightful dialogue.
(譯:誠實和開放,是交流的根基。)
In our culture privacy is often confused with secrecy. Open, honest, truth-telling individuals value privacy. We all need spaces where we can be alone with thoughts and feelings – where we can experience healthy psychological autonomy and can choose to share when we want to. Keeping secrets is usually about power, about hiding and concealing information.
(譯:主流文化說,私隱就等於保持很多秘密。 但兩者是不同的。 私隱給予個人空間,容許思考和自主性。 保持秘密等於控制、隱藏和埋沒。)
給「對愛情失去信心」的人
True love does have the power to redeem but only if we are ready for redemption. Love saves us only if we want to be saved.
(譯: 真愛不能拯救你,除非你準備好、願意被拯救。)
I was still mourning- clinging to the broken heart of girlhood, to broken connections. When that mourning ceased I was able to love again.
(譯:我依然因為成長過程的挫敗、丟失了的關係而感到悲痛。當我不再因痛楚呻吟時,我便會再次有能力去愛。)
Cover photo via wikipedia
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14 November 2017, 12:00 AM
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More: Modern Love作家女權愛情Bell Hooks